


The Spaces Between My Fingers

by Nebula5030



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Arthur Pendragon Returns (Merlin), Arthur and Merlin both love and miss Gwen, Bromance, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Finally writing some more Arthur/Gwen fics, Gen, Grief/Mourning, I cried while writing this, Immortal Merlin (Merlin), Modern Era, Past Character Death, Post-Canon, Though hopefully any more I do won't be this angsty aklsdfjkasdflasdf, loss of a spouse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 09:08:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22414516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nebula5030/pseuds/Nebula5030
Summary: Merlin looked up to find Arthur standing in the entrance to his sitting room, his mouth in a frown, a line between his brows, and his gaze fixed on the floor.His eyes were rimmed red, and Merlin could see tear stains on his cheeks.Merlin’s heart dropped in concern - yes, many things had upset him, but rarely did Arthurcry- but he lowered his book and asked calmly, “Yes, what is it, Arthur?”Arthur took in a shaking breath.  “This may be an odd question, but,” he swallowed, and looked up to meet Merlin’s gaze, looking both vulnerable and determined all at once, “Could you take me somewhere where I could purchase a ring?”
Relationships: Guinevere/Arthur Pendragon, Gwen & Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin & Arthur Pendragon (Merlin)
Comments: 44
Kudos: 166
Collections: Merlin Rarepair Hub





	The Spaces Between My Fingers

**Author's Note:**

> _I'll watch the night turn light blue_  
>  _But it's not the same without you_  
>  _Because it takes two to whisper quietly_  
>  _The silence isn't so bad_  
>  _'Til I look at my hands and feel sad_  
>  _'Cause the spaces between my fingers are_  
>  _Right where yours fit perfectly_ \-- _Vanilla Twilight,_ Owl City

When Arthur returned from his outing to the store, he quickly shut the front door behind himself and went to the back of the house, a hand over his mouth and his steps hurried.

“Arthur-?” Merlin called, closing his book and standing after him.

But Arthur didn’t respond, and Merlin only heard the sound of Arthur’s bedroom door slamming shut a moment later.

Merlin blinked, before his gaze saddened.

It was hard to say what it would be this time - many things in the contemporary world had upset Arthur since he’d risen from the lake a couple months ago - but Merlin had learned his best course of action would be to let Arthur alone: give Arthur time to process before he would come and talk to Merlin on his own.

So Merlin sighed, sat back down the couch, and cracked open his book once more.

It was an hour later when Arthur emerged. Merlin was wrapped up in his book, too preoccupied to notice the soft opening of Arthur’s door, or his quiet footfalls.

“Merlin?”

Merlin looked up to find Arthur standing in the entrance to his sitting room, his mouth in a frown, a line between his brows, and his gaze fixed on the floor.

His eyes were rimmed red, and Merlin could see tear stains on his cheeks.

Merlin’s heart dropped in concern - yes, many things had upset him, but rarely did Arthur _cry -_ but he lowered his book and asked calmly, “Yes, what is it, Arthur?”

Arthur took in a shaking breath. “This may be an odd question, but,” he swallowed, and looked up to meet Merlin’s gaze, looking both vulnerable and determined all at once, “Could you take me somewhere where I could purchase a ring?”

~

The drive to the jewelry store had been quiet, Arthur not speaking and only staring out the window at the world as it went by. Merlin kept glancing at him, trying to decipher what Arthur was thinking, but his mask was slammed down hard, and not even Merlin could see through it.

Just what had happened?

Merlin parked the car and rolled up the windows (Arthur had gotten used to riding in a car - much to Merlin’s relief - though he insisted the windows had to be rolled down so he could feel the wind on his face. It was a small request, all things considered, and if it helped Arthur adjust to the modern world then Merlin was more than happy to oblige), before he turned to Arthur. 

Arthur still said nothing, staring at his hands and where he was fidgeting with them on his lap, and his brow furled in thought.

Merlin asked, quietly and not unkindly, “Are you going to tell me what this is about?”

Arthur didn’t look up. Then he took in a breath. “Someone flirted with me while I was at the food market,” Arthur began. He shrugged. “I thought she was simply making conversation, and I responded in kind. But when she put her hand to my arm and I realized what she was doing… I panicked, and informed her I was married.”

Arthur sighed. “Instead of backing off, she got angry - accusing me of misleading her because I wasn’t wearing a ring.”

Merlin blinked in surprise.

He glanced to Arthur’s hands.

Arthur was grabbing his left ring finger, running his fingertips over where his wedding ring to Gwen would have been.

When Arthur had risen out of the lake a couple months ago, he’d been as naked as the day he was born - no clothes, no armor, no crown.

And no jewelry.

He’d had no idea of the years that had passed, and Merlin had been forced to tell him everything: his death, Camelot’s fall a century later, all the way to the present day.

The thing that hit him hardest, however, was learning that Gwen was gone, and that she had been for over a thousand years.

The place she’d been buried had been developed over centuries before. Merlin took Arthur there anyway, but the pain on Arthur’s face had been almost too much to bear, so he took him home.

Arthur didn’t come out of his room for nearly two days after that.

When he did, Merlin found him on his back porch, staring out into the forest with his shoulders set and his jaw hard.

He’d only asked one question when Merlin came and sat by him.

_“Was she happy?”_

Merlin had hesitated before answering. While Gwen had gone on to become the best queen Camelot had ever known, and had loved her duty and her people without equal… there was a lingering sadness she carried with her for her entire reign.

The throne to her side remained empty for the rest of her days.

_“She was content.”_

It had been a few weeks since then. Arthur was carrying his grief better, but there were still moments when he’d come across a flower and stop, or he’d hear the beginnings to a song and freeze, his expression clouding over in sharp grief.

Merlin had had over a thousand years to grieve the loss of his best friend.

But Arthur had only had a couple months to grieve the loss of his wife, his queen.

His true love, and the life they could have had.

Arthur took in a breath. “And it simply… it reminded me of what I had lost. Everyday I turn to the nightstand to grab my ring and put it on… but it’s never there. That’s been the hardest part, Merlin. The doing it everyday, and remembering that it’s gone… and so is she.”

He looked over to Merlin, that vulnerable yet determined expression on his face once more. “I know it’s not the same - that it won’t _be_ the same. But I want a ring. I want something to remind me of her.”

Merlin’s eyes saddened in understanding, his heart clenching at the grief in Arthur’s voice. 

He nodded.

“Let’s go get you a ring.”

~

A bell above the door announced their entrance into the shop.

There were a handful of other customers standing along the counter, looking over the plethora of options before them. Merlin and Arthur approached a spot a distance from anyone else, and Arthur began to look over the selection.

Rings, bracelets, watches, necklaces. 

For a couple minutes, they browsed undisturbed. Arthur didn’t speak, only looking over the rings with a furled brow. 

But then the clerk behind the counter approached them, showing their teeth in a wide smile. “Welcome to Goldsmith’s Jewelry. How may I help you today?”

Arthur took in a breath. “I would like -”

His voice broke then, and he took in several shuddering breaths.

Merlin put his hand to Arthur’s shoulder, quietly offering support and volunteering to be the one to explain.

“… his wife passed away several years ago,” Merlin explained. “His ring was recently stolen, and he would like a simple one he can wear in its stead.”

The clerk’s face fell. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” they said. But then they gave Arthur a gentle smile. “Take as much time as you need - I will be here to answer any questions.”

Arthur nodded and quietly thanked them, and the clerk stepped away to give Arthur his own space to peruse the options. Merlin stood quietly behind Arthur, allowing him to think and examine each ring in turn. He was quiet, taking his time and looking over each ring for several moments before moving to the next one.

It must have been strange: the ring Arthur had given Gwen had come from the vaults below Camelot - he’d had his choice of any ring in Camelot’s royal jewels to choose from, each with their own history and past. He’d had years to pick through and learn what they looked like, and to choose which one he would eventually bestow upon his love.

Now… he was searching through rings that were brand new and foreign to him, and simply hoping that one would help heal the ache in his heart. Even if only a little bit.

Arthur took in a small gasp, and Merlin was pulled from his musings to find Arthur with his fingers lightly to the display case.

Merlin came over and looked in as well.

It was a simple silver band with a black stripe running along the middle.

But it looked like a matched set to the one that Arthur had proposed to Gwen with all those centuries ago.

Merlin turned to him and asked quietly, “Do you want to look at it?”

Arthur nodded mutely, not moving his gaze from the ring.

Merlin caught the attention of the clerk, and they came over. Merlin quickly pointed and said which one had caught Arthur’s attention, and the clerk nodded. They reached into the display and pulled it out, before setting the box it was laid in on the counter. “Simple but elegant. It’s a wonderful choice.”

Arthur took in a shuddering breath, and picked it up to examine it more closely.

He slipped it on his finger.

It fit perfectly.

For a moment, Arthur didn’t move, staring at where it sat as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

Then he looked up at the clerk and gave them a watery smile. “It’s perfect; I’d like to buy it.”

Merlin pulled his wallet from his pocket. “I’ll pay for it -”

“No,” Arthur said, putting his hand to Merlin’s to stop him. “I want to.”

Merlin blinked, but then he nodded and stepped back.

Arthur was still getting used to the concept of paper money (credit cards were a further step out, but Merlin was hoping they’d cross that bridge soon), but when the clerk gave him the total, Arthur pulled out the correct bills and handed them over.

He declined the offer of a box and a bag, and walked out of the store with the ring still on his finger.

The drive home was just as quiet as the drive there had been, but with Arthur’s gaze fixed only on the ring on his finger instead of the world outside. The silence continued even when they arrived home, Arthur only quietly thanking Merlin as he climbed out of the car and entered the house.

Merlin didn’t move for a couple moments, staring after him, before he sighed and followed.

Dinner was just as silent, and so was when they both washed the dishes afterward. Arthur’s gaze was continually far off and glassy, and more than once Merlin found Arthur stopped in place, his hand raised and looking at the ring.

An hour or so after, Arthur had disappeared, and Merlin wandered around his house wondering where he had gone.

He found Arthur on the bench on his back porch, staring out at the forest and his gaze far off and distant - the same place and position he’d found him in all those weeks ago.

Merlin sat next to him, only watching the clouds as they drifted past and as they started to gain the purples and oranges of sunset. He said nothing; Arthur would speak when he was ready.

After several minutes of silence, he did.

“I always knew there was the possibility that I would be killed in battle - I’d made my peace with that years ago… but I never thought for one moment that I would live without her.”

Arthur took in a shaking gasp. “How did you do it, Merlin?” he asked, staring out at the trees. “How did you survive after losing everything?”

“… at some point, I just had to keep going,” Merlin said. “Back when Gwen was still alive… I could help her. If I ever missed you, or-or Gwaine or Lancelot… I could go to her and ask her what she needed - if there was anything that needed to be done. As long as I was helping her… I had something to focus on, and I didn’t get lost in my grief.”

He let out a breath. “After she was gone, I-… It became a lot harder. Not only had a lost everyone I cared about… but I also knew for sure that I was, well, immortal - and I had no idea how long I would be alone.”

Arthur glanced to Merlin then. His gaze darkened. “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.”

Merlin sighed. He gave his head a small shake. “I lost purpose there, for a while,” he said. “After losing Gwen I… I didn’t want to exist anymore. But I had no choice. And at some point - two or three hundred years after, I think - I remembered that I promised her that I would look after you when you came back - that I would do the same thing for her that I had done for you.” He turned to meet Arthur’s gaze. “And I wasn’t going to break that promise.”

Arthur blinked at him, before he sighed himself and turned back to the forest, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees. He said, “I’m not ready to let her go. I don’t think I ever will be.”

“And there’s nothing wrong with that,” Merlin said quietly. “You don’t have to let Gwen go - you’re allowed to grieve what you’ve lost and what could have been. For me, it’s still there. The grief, I mean. It’s never gone completely away, and I know it never will. I miss her every single day.”

Arthur’s gaze dropped then, and Merlin saw as he once more started to run his fingers over the ring.

“She loved you, Arthur,” Merlin said. “She loved you more than you will ever know.”

Arthur looked back to Merlin then, and his eyes were brimming. “Thank you, Merlin. And thank you for looking after her.”

Merlin’s own eyes began to burn. He gave Arthur a small smile, and felt something run down his own cheek. “It was my honor.”

Arthur shakily matched the smile for one moment, before he turned back to the forest once more, drops tracing their way down his cheeks in silence. 

He slowly leaned over and rested his arm against Merlin’s.

Merlin didn’t comment, only pressing a touch closer to assure Arthur that he was there, and he wouldn’t be going anywhere.

They stayed out there until long after the stars had emerged, both lost in their thoughts of Gwen.


End file.
